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Barbarian Diordieva - the lawyer, an analyst.
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Development of the person

Show the initiative! Effective dialogue

Who has risen on tiptoe, cannot long stand. Who does the big steps, cannot long go. Who exposes itself on light, that does not shine. Who eulogises itself, that will not extract glory. Who attacks, will not achieve success. Who ennobles itself, cannot become seniors among others. All it is called as vain desire and useless behaviour. Such hate and all live beings despise. Therefore the person possessing wisdom, does not do it.

Remembering these words, we start working off of skills of effective dialogue.

With whom to begin?

You have got on reception, a business meeting, a corporate party, a reception, etc. People, having broken into groups, talk. Here it is important to solve: what company to join, with what (from whom) to begin dialogue.

Usually we perfectly feel in the company of two-three friends, but it is uncomfortable — in an environment of strangers. Often to us happens very difficultly to start with them conversation. Fear of dialogue — so it is possible to define this some kind of an illness. To get rid of it it is possible. To make it it is extremely necessary, as it under force even to painfully constraining people. To seize art of dialogue for many begins today a professional problem and the first step on a way to leadership. So, you have dared? Then we begin. Do not forget, that all underwritten has character of practical recommendations. Effective dialogue is similar to swimming art — to learn, not bad to begin with at least to enter into water. Everything about what you learn, you should try necessarily in practice. Simple reading «for the sake of interest» will not give any results.

It is necessary to adhere to the principle of effective dialogue elementary and checked up in practice: the more people, the it is less risk all to spoil. The the group chosen by you is more numerous, the it is more than chances to meet person who will respond (will react) to your first remark and will help to begin conversation. However, if your occurrence appears not noticed and your remark remains without the answer — it doesn't matter. At you time will look narrowly, listen and, having chosen the moment to enter again the general conversation or imperceptibly to retire and repeat attempt in other company.

How to "join" in conversation

The method «I is a newcomer». Look round, choose among present pleasant to you the person (even in the most adverse case when visitors have broken on groups in 2-3 persons and talk in a narrow circle of "the people»), approach and become a number. Make any movement (action) and when you will notice, address to visitor in advance planned by you with words: «Excuse, For God's sake. I hope, you will not be against. I here know nobody. My name is... You could not prompt to me …» On reaction of the visitor you at once define, with whom deal and whether it is possible to count on conversation. Any answer, except «what to you business?», suits that conversation was fastened.

Such beginning of dialogue almost guarantees success. «The frank recognition» works because practically all familiarly sensation of awkwardness and confusion in the unfamiliar company. Your recognition gives feeling of the superiority to the person to whom you have addressed. After all the role of the patron is given to it, and it is a pleasant role. Apply this reception if you it is valid with anybody are not familiar, and not more often two times for one evening. Otherwise it is possible to lose trust of the present. Besides, it is necessary to consider level of a party and the probable social status your potential визави. For example, hardly it is necessary so to approach to any minister or other high-ranking person. Most likely, it will cause only easy bewilderment — and who you, actually, such and what do in company «solid people»? And can, to you here and not a place at all? With such cases you can be helped by other method.

The method «I — the» is similar to tactics «втирания» in turn which is used quite often by artful buyers. You as it is possible more imperceptibly you are attached to the chosen circle of visitors that nobody has understood, that "newcomer". Still it is very similar to joining to singing: you harmoniously merge with the general sounding of voices.

First of all try to come into visual contact to the leader of group or that person who speaks at present. Here you will be helped by one reception. It is noticed, that telling something to several listeners always looks at the one who to it periodically nods more. It is quite explainable — after all from it it gets psychological support: « Time I to you nod, means you I understand, completely agree with you ». Use it. Psychologists know, that at conversation with approximately equal persons under the status speaking usually addresses more often to that member of group who nods. Thus there is an interesting psychological effect: at the others the impression, what exactly it — the most significant among them is made. After all addressing to group, there is more than attention usually give to more considerable person in it. Such simply, nodding, you can lift the status of the listener in group. Certainly, try not to resemble thus on toy Chinese болванчика, nodding a head without a stop. All should be natural.

The following principle of effective dialogue — the relative positioning account in space. Well knowing people prefer to settle down sideways from each other. The similar arrangement subconsciously associates with благорасположением talking and mutual liking. And on the contrary, with other things being equal conflicts arise between the people, being against each other more often. The concept "opposition" exists completely not casually. Such position подспудно provokes feeling of rivalry and sorevnovatelno-defensive relations. Therefore it is better to you to be nearby or under a corner to the most active member of group.

At sufficient attention of you to having conversation you can seize the successful opportunity and easy join in it. Thus important correctly to be arranged to the general rate, loudness and a conversation rhythm. (For example, it is not necessary to speak loudly if all the others talk in a low voice etc.) And then to all will seem, that all of you time were in their company. If you did not manage to come nearer imperceptibly to this circle (occurrence of "stranger" have noticed) — besides it doesn't matter. Instantly, to "descent" submit a remark, reacting that had time to hear, and you almost for certain recognise for «». The main thing — to speak easy, resolutely and easy. The intense voice and the held down pose will bring probability of success to naught for the corresponding condition instantly will be transferred to associates and will cause general feeling of awkwardness. However, other extreme measure — the haughty kind, crossed in front or behind a hand (a superiority position) — also is inadmissible. If at you will not have the heart to get acquainted quickly with strangers and you begin to run across in indecision from one group to another, you risk so with anybody and not to start talking for all evening, and desired dialogue will not take place.

Do not waste time in vain

At times happens it is simply impossible to get off from uninteresting (or unpleasant) the interlocutor, and many simply surrender, dooming themselves on its company to the end of evening. But such outcome does not approach you. Your purpose — to mix up with weight of visitors, to cheer itself up, to have time to be thrown with all remarks, to exchange cut-aways, and to receive from it pleasure. And also to strike up useful acquaintances in the future, communications.

If you are trampled down on one place, not imagining how to depart, when the discussed theme you does not interest, you risk to lose evening and not to achieve the object. The charm of secular dialogue in freely to ply from one visitor to another. And for this purpose it is necessary to know, during what moment and how it is possible «to change parking».

Optimum time of secular conversation for a populous party — 5-20 mines on one "soul". A limit — 30 minutes Remember: you here that studies to get acquainted with people and to fasten new contacts. If the interlocutor interesting — date to itself a word to return to it after will get acquainted with ten visitors. It is possible to take from it the card and to agree about a meeting in other place.

Move, move …

… but move not chaotically, and with a purposeful kind. Movement, activity and purposefulness always draws to you attention. If, having departed from the interlocutor, you stop in indecision, not knowing where to go, your confusion will be noticed by many. And those whom you have just left, can think, that you simply disdain their society and prefer to spend evening in loneliness, than to remain with them. It, at least, is impolite.

The psychological substantiation of movement «on a kind at all» consists in the following. Moving, you attract attention of associates. And the place «on a kind at all», in the attention centre, is subconsciously perceived by the majority of people as more prestigious. After all большего attention people with higher status always receive. And consequently in the attention centre many perceive already finding of the person as instructions on its relevancy. Besides, psychologists have established, that the more time the person is «on a kind», the above to it liking of associates. Certainly, separate people can have a negative sensation, that you "are an eyesore" to them. It just those people, which apply for leadership and special attention to the person. As a result they can have a feeling of animosities and rivalry in relation to you. But as a whole growth of liking at associates goes much faster rates, than animosities growth. Therefore such type of behaviour especially is recommended to the people suffering from shyness and got used to consider "unpopular" or "rejected". As a rule, they move very little and prefer almost all party to remain on one place. Do not stand silently at a wall, overcome constraint and start to move more — the result will not keep itself waiting.

Remember, the route of movement is the most easier for choosing while you speak, especially if at you only one or two interlocutors. Is impolite to take away eyes when speak with you. If you are surrounded by group of visitors and the attention is not concentrated to you, can look round and choose a route. But to do it follows so that nobody has noticed, how your sight moves on a hall. It can be regarded and so: «to you here it is already boring», and it is insulting for associates. How it is beautiful to leave? There are some ways.

«Your time has expired». After at least ten-minute conversation it is necessary as it is possible to tell sincere: «As with you it is good, and it is necessary to greet also the others» or «I do not wish to usurp your time, besides we have agreed about a meeting». In it there is nothing shameful.

«We leave in English». Wait the moment when anybody from interlocutors with you does not speak and does not stare at you, and imperceptibly disappear. Be thus ready to react adequately in case conversation will unexpectedly concern you. When you will appear out of sight of the former interlocutors, — "run".

"Changing of the guard". As soon as somebody from visitors will address to your interlocutor whom to you already in burden, in the same second "evaporate": occurrence of the new interlocutor has opened to you a way to deviation. It is passive enough reception, but to it resort practically all.

«Substitute the near». Present a situation: you should listen to absolutely uninteresting verbalisations of the tipsy interlocutor. Thus address directly to you, and the visitor standing nearby prefers to keep silent. There is no possibility «to leave in English». What to do? Continuing to nod and assiduously to assent, try to steal from the next company somebody to whom have already communicated. There and then present to its your interlocutor so as if you render huge service to both of them: at them weight of the general interests, and they necessarily will like each other! Be attentive — as soon as their sights will meet, you quickly leave.

***
The described receptions of secular dialogue will help you to show the initiative in an unfamiliar society. Two identical societies does not happen. Therefore precisely to model a situation it is not obviously possible. But, owning skills of effective dialogue, you will feel for certain more confident any situation.

And now small practical exercise for self-checking.

Situation. You have come on a corporate party (a secular reception, etc.). You wish to strike up new acquaintances, to become «soul of the company», to prove to be the interesting and competent interlocutor and if it will turn out — that and to head and to lead behind yourselves conversation, having shown some degree of leadership in group.

Here you, at last, were typed resoluteness and try to join the group discussing any problem. Its participants — the solid people occupying high position. All of them have the big vital and professional experience, have reached much, know to itself the price, have got used to supervise and be the focus of attention. Therefore behave easy and confidently, constantly showing own importance.

You, unfortunately, yet have not reached the big tops in the life. Interlocutors feel, that your social status is not too high. Therefore to prove, tell something important or interesting the others react to all your attempts coldly and puzzly (a pier who else such appeared?). At you look "from top to down", listen inattentively and without interest. Besides, it is necessary to you to tarry and become silent for a second to take breath, as someone instantly interrupts you stop short and «draws a blanket on itself». Solid uncles and aunts, not condescending to the answer to your shy remarks, continue secular conversation, completely ignoring your presence. You for them — the empty place which is not representing to any value and interest.

The task. Think, how it is possible to change a situation to own advantage? How to appear in the conversation centre? How to force concerns itself, how to equal, with due attention and respect? Remember: to show лидерскую the initiative — does not mean at all to behave impudently and defiantly. Effective dialogue consists not so from this. Results of such behaviour will be pitiable (see citation Lao-Tszy).

Use that information which you have gathered from the given notes, but try not to go in cycles in it. Think up own "artful" methods and receptions of achievement of an object in view. Probably, you already have any own operating time which you and successfully apply for a long time in similar situations? You have reached them «own mind» or have gathered from the psychological literature. In that case think of relevance of their application. Necessarily inform us on the impressions, both positive, and negative.