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Barbarian Diordieva - the lawyer, an analyst.
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Lady Boss and the man

If the woman earns more men

I think, that men simply are afraid. Are afraid of female success as have got used at heart, often, not admitting to itself in it to depreciate the woman. The social success of the woman as though, calls into question into their own talents and possibility to be successful - man's pride (self-estimation) suffers. It is possible to recollect, also, about notorious man's chauvinism and patriarchal foundations of a society: socially authorised image of the man as defender, the getter and the supporter of a family - is live this image and to this day and considerable impact on souls, by the way, not only men, but also women makes.

Concerning excessive маскулизированности socially active women, probably, it is possible to argue: how about a certain general tendency - we, certainly, can speak about it, but unless there are no women playing significant social roles and thus keeping the female potential? It is more than that, I would notice also that fact, that some aspects of feminity cannot reveal, at all, out of measurement of social activity of the woman and its social success. In the end, the ends, let's recollect, that once (and in some cultures and to this day) the civilisation was matriarchal, that, in my opinion, confirms thought about considerable (now in many respects not revealed) potential of an in the lead social role of the woman.

 It is remembered, one woman spoke to me: «If you the real man, mean - you should earn more me». And for some reason from these words it was awfully unpleasant to me. And another has once told: «If you could provide me, I would be to you the good wife».
For some reason it seems to me, that it is two parties of one medal.

 When I hear similar things, the impression is made, that people, similar, lose reference points in understanding of and the one whom they should (or can) to be. What means to be the real man? Or the present woman? Who will incur risk, being in senses to establish an original format of man's or female behaviour? Similar, that people are substantially aloof from themselves, deprived understanding of the mission and therefore, are disoriented and that, to avoid dizziness and balance loss, cling to the certain conventional, settled stereotypes "man's" and "female".

 Money (and their quantity) - one of such stereotypes concerning measurement symbolical in our life. Yes money became a symbol of force, power, success and... Courage. There was a focus - money, it appears, it is possible to measure now courage, as quantity of a potato in kgs. Merge of an image of courage to image of money - extremely harmful to the person (both for the man, and for the woman) the tendency. I would name this process by courage "corruption". Corruption in which, alas, bring the contribution and women when speak similar («if you the real man, means - you should earn more me» or «if you could provide me, I would be to you the good wife»).

 No, the competition element, naturally, is inevitable. Recollect at least jokes about women at the wheel. But agree, this competition is mutual. And it seems to many men, that the female world declared it war, trying to prove their inconsistency. And what to do, when this war begins in the family?

 If also there is something destructive for the woman (destructive for its feminity) in its desire of social success and a recognition so it is a competition to men, a competition eating envy to the man and its achievements. This envy, partly, is justified if to recollect about man's chauvinism and discrimination of women, but in some cases, this feeling is absolutely irrational and is based on neurotic experiences concerning the early (nurseries) which have been not resolved to internal conflicts of the woman concerning acceptance of the female role.

As to men they are not avoided too by irrational fears connected with the woman. Long years of dependence of the little boy from the Woman (mother or the grandmother) leave the mark on mentality of the man: in the heart of the soul the man always tests the conflict, the conflict between desire of dependence and submission to the woman and dissolution in children's "I" and desire of revolt against the power of Mother (and women, in general) and fear that is revolt and independence will appear are not achievable, whether owing to the exclusive power of the Woman, whether owing to own intensive desires will obey to the power of the Woman.

 In families, as a rule, described dynamics takes place to be, in latent, often unconscious kind, as a rule, not breaking borders of adequate rational relations. If the described conflicts, owing to any external or internal factors, become not operated - there is that painful condition of enmity or war which, however, is not deprived secret pleasure отреагирования in relation to the partner of vindictive and spiteful feelings.

 In a family all was fine. The husband earned money, the wife sat with two children, sometimes substituted for the grandmother. Idyll has come to an end, when the wife has gone to work on a speciality and for it career launch has begun. At first the husband joked, has then started to grumble, and when the salary of the wife began to exceed considerably its own, in a family unmotivated scandals have begun. And the basic motive was: «you do not love me», «at you someone is» and so forth from the spouse. The spouse has started to happen less often at home, has then washed down, and all assurances of the wife «at all of us it will be good», did not operate. Now a family on the verge of divorce, plus to that, the husband just about will fire. What to do to the woman in this situation?

 To the woman, it is necessary, to understand, that it is not guilty, that a problem in her husband. The man, in this case, has run into a neurosis as felt uncertainly. Its self-estimation therefore it has felt, own малозначимость and uselessness has decreased. It had imaginations that the wife has ceased to appreciate and respect him («you do not love me») and, as consequence, thinks of other men "more successful", "taken place", etc. As to what to do to the woman I would tell so: to think it is necessary not only the woman, but also the man as it is important to man not to dump in a similar situation cargo of responsibility for a family on female shoulders, and to collect all forces and to show, at last, the courage. But only to show it not in battles with the wife, and in an ox consulting with the weakness which has proved in the form of a neurosis. I think, that in such cases not to do without the help of the professional psychologist.

 Once the husband earned many money and fed all family. But other times, and the salary which seemed big have come, became tiny. The wife has gone to work and earns in times of more husband. But the husband, apparently, is not afflicted completely not by this fact. In reply to the offer of the wife to find something it is better, he only is surprised: «What for? Money is». «And how your man's pride?» «At what here pride!» As a result in a family conflicts have begun, and the wife and cannot understand illogical, from its point of view, behaviour of the husband.

 I already spoke about, often, latent children's desire of the man to obey to the woman and to start to depend on it, to depend not only emotionally, but also is material: as the child who entirely, depends on mother. In an adult life of the man, sometimes, there can be situations, some kind of, temptation - temptation to find «мамку» and «to be at it». For the man it, certainly, a regressive condition, its braking emotional and social development. Sometimes men with such «a parent complex» unconsciously search and choose to itself in partners of strong and confident women on which it is possible to "rely".  

 Vein-was excellent pair. It was the businessman, she is an artist. Some years they have lived in love and the consent, have given birth to a pretty daughter, but here the husband tragically was lost. Its relatives have appeared are not so disinterested, and have robbed the widow blind, having left it only naked walls, an old refrigerator and a daughter. But the woman did not begin to despond: in half a year of its picture with success began to be on sale as in Russia, and abroad, it has opened the small gallery. But with private life at it it is impossible. She has told: I will leave only for the man who earns at least twice more me. Probably, such men are, and not so it is not enough of them. But for seven years to it so anybody also did not manage to be found. And she does not look at others at all, saying, that with those who has not achieved anything in a life, it to communicate not begins.

 When the person achieves success, not very well man it or the woman, to it would be desirable to see near to itself too the successful person who would meet the generated requirements to level of sincere development and a social status. However, if these requirements become too rigid («he should earn twice more», etc.) we have the right to think of the deformed requirements, to satisfy which to the man there is no sense (than, probably, it is caused the loneliness of this woman). There are women who all life search for the Daddy in other men, and, as a rule, it is not found, and if find, quickly lose, finding disappointment in men or in itself. Such format of relations of adult men and women ("daughter-daddy"), more we accept a society, rather than the return ("son-mum") though, from the point of view, the psychologist is not less патологичным, stirring to the woman to mature and find myself.

 At the husband problems on work have begun. The wife has gone to earn, and for half a year its salary has grown so, that she began to earn much more the husband. She has decided, that it will be better, if the husband sits at home with the child - at the same time and will have a rest. But very soon houses have begun scandals. It had to employ in addition the nurse for the child. Then she has found out, that the husband has started to spend its money «as the», buying things unnecessary, as she said. Scandals have begun with new force. Everything when having come back home during after-hour time, she has found out matrimonial change also has come to an end. When she has started talking about divorce, the husband has told to it «you is guilty in all. You the hands have destroyed our family».

 Crazy charges! Most likely, besides, the man felt defective and has tried to lift the «man's value» in other field - in sexual feats and, at the same time, and to humiliate the wife, enviously having revenged it for its social successes.

 The woman began to earn more husband. Also has found out, that their life has changed. The husband has practically ceased to happen at home. It took three additional extra earnings, became exhausted, but and could not make even level of the salary to the salary of the wife. When that has tried to talk to it on this theme, terrible scandal in which result the husband has demanded from it has begun to leave work. She has refused. The husband has moved down from it and now lives separately.

 One more example of the deformed behaviour of the man! He has felt threat for itself(himself) in success of the wife, threat to the man's vanity. Attempt «to liquidate threat», the attempt which has led to "failure", has found out badly hidden fear of this man, the fear to lose the man's advantage and to lose "rank". Such man would need not to demand from the wife to leave work, and to try to realise the alarms and frankly to talk about it to the wife. However to "talk" it was not possible. Impossibility to talk that occurs that you feel and you think, existence of the "closed" themes - a symptom of relations, one more sign on the neurosis, testifying that in relations, something is not perfectly in order, that, sooner or later, will call into question existence of such relations.