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Family and children

As parental scenarios influence family trouble of children

Unfortunately, I never had boldness to be pulled out from under its guardianship and the control. I never had determination to rebel against its tyranny. When it in a pointed manner altered absolutely everything, that I did on the house, trying to it to help (whether I erased the shirts, whether washed a floor in the room, whether ironed the trousers etc.). When she demanded from me almost the hourly message on, where I and with whom. When it absolutely inconsiderately interfered in my private life, solving whom to me to meet, and with whom is not present. When she forced me to play hours hated me to a violin (but so favourite by it!) . When she abused me for the four. I remember, with what horror I submitted to it a diary when knew, that the remark there is written or costs «4», let alone absolutely casual and individual three or the two. I looked at its beautiful face which I adored, and knew — here now it will be deformed by an indignation grimace, to me I will be told by ice tone, that the untalented person, the ignoramus and the idler. Any punishment then will follow, and I will make up and repent, begging me to forgive …

My god! If she knew, what innumerable number of times in the imagination I wished her death. Silently shouted: «I hate you! I want, that you have died! Without you to me it will be better …»

I so dreamt of freedom, about a life without it when it was a number. And so has improbably grieved, when it did not become. Probably for this reason my first marriage, as a matter of fact the relations, has appeared almost full copy of my relations with mother, with that unique difference, that in relation to mother I afforded violence only in imagination, and in relation to the wife I often enough resolved to myself it really (the occasion always was surprisingly easily). When I beat her, I with horror realised, that I like to torment it and to see tears in her eyes. In the mornings I repented, swore, that it more never will repeat and sincerely trusted in it as physically me to it attracted uncontrollably. But all repeated again and again. Once I nearly have not strangled her. Me has stopped and has rescued accident. And I have understood, that I with it should do something … We have divorced. As a matter of fact I simply ran from it.

Somewhere I read, that formation of the family scenario basically depends on children's impressions and experience of a life in a parental family. I have understood, that beating the wife, I as a matter of fact revenged mother. I proved to not so much wife, how many to myself, that I the Man. How much it is the truth? Really and my second marriage is doomed? Whether probably to change the family scenario? »

The comment of the psychologist

In our culture there is an ordinary representation about ideal marriage is a love match. It is considered, that such marriage — a basis of happy home life. The sequence of events is that: true love — marriage — successful home life when live long and happily, and die in one day.

The majority secretly or obviously aspires to this romantic ideal because in the childhood from fairy tales we learn about power of love. From the same and similar sources we accurately acquire, that heroes are exposed to all tests only before wedding: deprivations everyone there, searches unique and favourite, performance for the sake of it conceivable and inconceivable conditions. As soon as wedding is played, the serene happiness with life-pozhivaniem and good acquisition sets in.

And here it in a real life almost never also does not happen. On the contrary, after wedding love check on durability begins. More precisely, not only and it is not so much love, how many compatibility of habits, requirements and vital values of young spouses, their tolerance to lacks each other … Such here an uneasy problem with many unknown persons. For some she dares with the big work: that marriage — that the unsuccessful partner, though and on love, but yesterday. And today divorce …

Psychologists assert, that the model of unsuccessful marriage can be received (and accordingly to transfer!) … by right of succession.

With what unhappy or disharmonious marriage begins? Unsuccessful marriage begins with specific requirements of "individual tailoring». What such and whence they undertake requirements?

They are pawned in the childhood. To understand, how it occurs, let's consider one of the most simple scenarios of home life.

Here a simple case. There Lived-was a family: mum, the daddy and the daughter. Mum with the daddy often quarrelled. Mum shouted and cried, and the daddy became reserved. Houses and if happened tried to happen less often mainly — was silent (read, sat at a desk, watched TV etc.).

Mum gave a lot of time to the daughter (and whom it still it to give?). It helped it to worry and fill that shortage of emotions which it received less in marriage.

Mum was the imperious woman and has got used, that all in the house submitted to its will, therefore and the daughter it supervised very rigidly: what to dress, what to tell, what to make.

While the girl was small, such style of education did not harm to it. But the girl has grown and has rebelled, began to show independence. Mum has resolutely opposed it. Constant growth of independence of the daughter postponed them from each other more and more. This distance has turned back loneliness for mother. As a result — the conflict. And what the father? And the father since the childhood was only the observer of education of the daughter. In what did not interfere — was afraid to give a superfluous occasion to conflicts to the wife. The daughter especially also did not require the daddy. She looked at the daddy mum's eyes (after all earlier they were adherents). When relations with mum have become aggravated, the daughter has tried to find the ally in the daddy. During this moment the girl was at teenage age when the logic of mental development demands to develop a certain standard, the standard of the man. So it had weighty reasons to search a daddy's society: To get its support in struggle against mum, to avoid loneliness in a family, to understand, that such men. But, having addressed to the daddy, the girl has found out in it the person far from a family (though and it is obvious to it favourable). The daddy, of course, loved the daughter and was glad, that she wishes to communicate with it, but the fear of mum's fits of hysteria kept it from emotional bond with it. It expressed the love on distance. The daughter aspired to spiritual affinity with the daddy, but is ineffectual.

Let's think, the girl "has earned" what specific requirement in a family? At it disputed relations with mother. For increase of the female self-estimation it is necessary for it to "win" the daddy. This aspiration becomes essentially important for personal formation of the girl. « You, mum, could not understand the daddy, and I can. You all life complained of it, because you the unlucky person. And I удачница … »the Internal monologue will be infinite. The daughter persistently aspires to achieve spiritual affinity with the father, trying to be better and more successful than mum, but the daddy remains is inaccessible, it as if колобок slides all further and further. Further (requirement for a gain of the man) the girl will transfer such stereotype of relations on the mutual relations with an opposite sex. What young men will like it? Gentle, affectionate? No, them to win it is not necessary, and that itself floats in hands — to it is not necessary! To it cold, reserved young men will be attractive. First, it is worthy extraction, and secondly, such is the standard of the man copied from the daddy.

Whether there will be such young men who will be ready to grow fond and fasten this high feeling conjugal ties? Certainly! Demanded boys grow in similar families, where the daddy дистантный and muffled, and mum passionate and симбиотичная (aspiring to all-consuming emotional bond). This boy at teenage age for the right to personal freedom pays very expensively — fear to be together with somebody. Therefore he also grows such closed and far. And shows it, as the daddy at whom looked all life. Vigorous and emotional women are in own way expensive to it (all the same mummy native). Its specific requirement "grown up" in the childhood — requirement for freedom. Why it is caught in a net Artemiss-hunters? Yes because with it it tries to allow the children's conflict — to be free near to the woman, so similar to expensive mum.

So, marriage is concluded! Only, only has ceased Mendelson's wedding march. And over a young couple fatal inevitability of destruction of the warm union has already hung. Why? Yes because the conflict in it is built in already initially. He passionately wishes physical and spiritual affinity, but wishes to remain thus free and consequently keeps away. The more it will keep away, the more it is necessary to it, the faster Artemis pursues the animal, the the animal … Behind a charm of a classical myth — a reality faster runs. Do not forget, that the young wife in the behaviour will copy mum because other model at it was not: she is able to be exacting and imperious, to cry and shout. Disappointment, grief from leaving love, suffering from the misunderstanding, not developed home life. The born child only will complicate position. Possible divorce will change nothing: the following partner (most likely) will be same, and the play will be played once again.

It is simple and widespread enough case. The choice of the partner and a home life current are in many respects predetermined. The scenario is written by our parents.

Members of a family can take the information from features of dialogue. It is true and in relation to the child of any age. However, to the child the verbal information because it yet so well catches sense of words and implied senses is more clear not, and the nonverbal text reads unmistakably. We will recollect now, that adults realise nonverbal behaviour is worse and is worse supervise. And still we will recollect, that not verbal information often contradicts the verbal.

The information field of the child can be compared to a film. On the basis of it badly realised and few supervised, of a material the child develops rules of a life, the purpose and value. It is no wonder, that often the result amazes tutors.

Requirements arriving from adults and a rule we name instructions. The child receives parental instructions, observing and participating in family communications. For example, popular installation on achievement of success (recognition) often is not formulated, not said aloud, however, to visitors parents prefer to tell about successes and удачах (good purchases, promotion, пятерках the child, its any small victories). Failures try to hide from strangers, in a family do not sympathise with the loser, for errors like to reproach. The child quickly understands, that the loser to be bad. Then, depending on vital values of a family, it calculates, that is considered good luck and success, and in this sphere tries to succeed.

There are instructions on which basis home life scenarios are under construction. We will analyse the instruction of creation of an incomplete (female) family for lonely motherhood. In a family three generations of women: the grandmother, mum, a daughter. Grandmother Valentine Aleksandrovna has married on the big love. But the choice has appeared unsuccessful: in three years of home life the husband has started to drink, and a year later has sunk on fishing, being in a state of intoxication … it is More in marriage and did not leave and one has grown up the Аню. She spoke all life to the daughter: « All muzhiks are identical: at first all is good, and then start to drink and though be hung up ». Anna concerned guys with watchfulness, but there was a novel, she has become pregnant and has married. Soon was born Настенька. The husband on the house almost did not help, has been occupied by work. Relations did not develop, yes Anna and did not try to build them. She did not know, was not able and did not wish to study to adjust the relation with the husband. And as at mother, soon he began to drink. They have divorced. Аня was not afraid of lonely motherhood, on the contrary, the life with the man was for it absolutely unknown situation. The grandmother's position has been strengthened, the latent sense became obvious and has been formulated so:« All men — swine and reptiles that is why the dirty trick should do by it in advance that then it was not insulting ». Mum had many girlfriends with sad family experience. Its vital belief allowed it to sympathise with the girlfriends offended by men, therefore girlfriends came to it behind a consolation. Pleasures of home life were not entered at all in Anna's outlook, she liked to repeat time and again, as it is glad, that nobody takes it for a ride, does not scoff, that it should not report to anybody and in general — as the life without men is fine.

Some years of foggy youth Настеньки have left on explaining to mum, that it a dark blue stocking, without charm of feminity. Then admirers, novels and even marriage have gone. However the instruction received in the childhood, has not disappeared anywhere. It was simply temporarily forgot under the impact of thirst of self-affirmation. It is underground continued to work, having affected a choice of the husband, is more true on absence of a choice.

If all men «swine and reptiles» and to choose there is nobody. The peak of conflicts to mum and wedding have coincided. A full severance of diplomatic relations — and young have begun to live the life. It is easy to guess, that this marriage was unsuccessful. Настенька has not managed to be the wife, it did not have a possibility to see, that such the woman in marriage. Therefore she behaved with the husband, as the lonely woman: all tried to incur, to the aid did not count, interests of the husband in attention did not accept, daily overstrained and got tired and daily received acknowledgement of mum's wisdom, as began an occasion to reconcile with mum. When mum was convinced, that the daughter too thinks now the same as also it has with open arms accepted back stray daughter. Marriage has broken up. However, at Настеньки the girl too was got, but it only has decorated a life of women.

Here генограмма this family: from the grandmother in the inheritance the private statement has been received, and from mum the program of a life containing the firm statement has come: «All men of the swine, and the happiness with them is impossible». Instructions actually received by a daughter were an interdiction fortunately.

So, parental installations, sights, positions on home life in many respects define the further destiny of their children in супружустве. Therefore, if you want happiness for the child, take care of a safe microclimate in own family and never focus the child that all problems in a life because of an opposite sex!