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Nonnative children - a hindrance?

As a rule, relations of adult people develop so: mum brings the child to the grandmother or the nurse and easy spends time with the beloved. Sometimes there are joint walks three together, but it is small percent from all time of appointments. After three will appear in one territory, accents can essentially be displaced. And especially attentive it is necessary to be in case the man does not have children and corresponding experience behind shoulders. The man not always clearly imagines, that, for example, sex will be now only after the child will fall asleep (and on it a lot of time and mum's nerves) can leave sometimes, and all rest of the time the kid will freely move on apartment and to put the curious nose in all affairs becoming with adults. Now to remain alone with the thoughts "uncle Sasha" can only in a bathroom – and that is not present a guarantee, that the offspring of his wife will not break there with shouts "uncle Sasha, you promised to show to me how to construct a tractor of cubes!".

 

 

Especially attentive it is necessary to be in case the man does not have children. In many man it is necessary to change the habits, and it is better to woman not to mislead him in this respect. Hardly it can leave henceforth anywhere the laptop - the valuable thing can appear covered with drawings or broken and if the child is more senior – it will simply be curious, that inside. And even if it will break nothing, it will be not too simple for accustoming at once to thought that in the house there are things which in general to touch it is impossible. After all mum's things concern to some other category: is, of course, and what it is desirable not to take, but mum all the same will forgive, if that. Or will clean so what not to get. An another matter «another's uncle». He can and not understand. And, as though he did not love the spouse if at it behind the back bachelorhood – it will be extremely difficult to it to get used to constant intervention in the private space. He should to get used hide that does not suffer another's hands and if he has forgotten it to make from the child – not to take offence, that in its daily log ridiculous physiognomies now flaunt, and its modern leather gloves serve as an ornament for a plush hare. The man should think before embracing the wife in the presence of the child – reaction can be different. From a roar before attempt «to take a place» in these embraces.

To hide from the potential stepfather these details it is not necessary. But also to explain all words it will not turn out. Women, as a rule, use such strategy: at first "uncle" - simply friend, and then it "sharply" passes from friends in potential "daddy" and literally for one day it appears living on territory of mother and the child. This strategy, as a rule, urged to "spare" the child. But it is real it does not spare anybody. Both for the child, and for the man and for mother such sharp transition – it is unconditional, stress.

 

Whether it is possible to avoid it? Yes. To arrange "test drive". It can be joint rest on a summer residence, holiday, regular carrying out of days off three together with stay in one territory. Women often do not resort to such variant, because do not know how to explain to the child why mum sleeps now in one bed with «the stranger of uncles». But here it is necessary to choose smaller from two harms: where will be worse, if after such sharp transition potential "daddy" will not sustain and will run away from the unexpectedness which have fallen down it, and the child will have time to become attached seriously to it. In a mode of "test drive" better allegorically to explain to the child an essence. For example: «You sometimes wish to stay with me alone? Here and we from uncles Sashej too, after all we are the best friends. And you all the same already sleep at this time …»
 

And what the father?

How the native father concerns the child and in what degree makes of the decision concerning a life of the offspring, the future of a new family too depends. The difficult situation arises when the father actively participates in a life of the child. Cases when two men – the former husband and present – are able to agree and find common language are rare. That is why the woman should incur a role of the intermediary.

 

It is necessary to help for the new spouse to reconcile that the native father of the child helps its kid, whether it be financial investments or carrying out of time with the child. At the same time she should to let know to the former husband, that now its new husband too has the right to decision-making concerning a new family as a whole, that is and concerning the child too.

 

The woman should expect conflicts of interests to the native father of the child, trying to allocate to the new husband its part of responsibility. If it not to make, it will be inevitable to irritate the new head of the family, that the most part of the family decisions, the concerning child and the financial policy connected with it, in a family someone solves the third. And even if at first sight to the man "all the same", sooner or later he will reflect on the role in a family – who it? The person bearing responsibility for all its members, or it is simple «the legalised lover» mothers? If the man continues to shut eyes to a theme of the decisions accepted not by it it is a disturbing symptom for the woman. Probably, to it such state of affairs is simply convenient at present. And when the man will really mature and will want to incur a role of the defender and the head, it without regrets will leave an "inconvenient" family and will create another. In which decisions will be accepted by it, the wife and anybody more. And to be training range it would not be desirable any woman. And to it it is necessary or to expect conflicts of interests to the native father of the child, trying to allocate to the new husband its part of responsibility or to be ready to that during the necessary moment it corrupted with irresponsibility, cannot become the wife a real support.

 

When for the conflict there is no soil, and the native father is seldom shown on horizon, the woman should to let know to the husband, that the child as depends on its decisions, as well as it, and that a family is whole. To divide relations on «my relations with the child» and «my relations with the husband» - business unpromising.

 

Relations with relatives
Now it has at least mother-in-law, the father-in-law, and, probably, – sisters - in-law and brothers-in-law, and also nonnative nephews. How they will concern it? Here the woman should be on the alert, because even if she does not afford comparative digressions aside «and here my were …» there is no guarantee, that it will be not not made by relatives. And aloud. And men are very sensitive to similar comparisons.
The situation becomes complicated that all related clan, including and the child, remembers its first husband. And the child very often serves as "change" in such here "games" of relatives – the grandmother sometimes can force to recollect it, «and as was with the daddy», and then, at home, the child can already continue this theme at mum and its new husband. That to strengthening of the family world precisely will not serve.

 

Have patience – in such situation it more than pertinently. At the beginning, while a life and relations have not settled yet, it is necessary to solve all problems only three together. And only when all will enter into a quiet and steady track, the woman can give access to a new family to the relatives. Nobody says, that they are necessarily bad and tactless, is simple they – a live reminder about "were". And at the beginning reminders it is not necessary. And aspiration of the woman to show to all light, that it is again happy and claimed, sometimes becomes a mine of the slowed down action under just found happiness.
Considering situations with second marriages and solving psychological problems in such unions, I have drawn only one conclusion: in any case haste will not lead to good. To remain lovers and friends sometimes more fairly, time and wisdom are sometimes necessary. Have patience – in such situation it more than pertinently.

 

Anton Nesvitsky, the psychologist